Her Last Day

Hi Everyone. It's taken me awhile to provide an update here, but I needed some space away from everything and have been trying to figure out what the new "normal" is.

I wanted to provide you an update on her final moments as they were so perfect and just the way she would have wanted them. On Friday, I had asked my husband to take the day off work so that we could go grab brunch together since it had been so long since he and I had had that kind of time together. My sister and one of my mom's best friends, Debra, came to be with her so that we could go out. I truly thought that she had at least another week left at this point - even though she was sedated, hospice had guessed she would go into a coma and survive another week. While I was out, hospice stopped by and told Melissa that Carolyn had started the death rattle and she didn't think there was much time left at all. So I rushed home and we called the entire family over to have final moments. After a couple hours of sitting in her room together talking about memories, the family left since we figured she still had at least a few days to go.

I had had very little sleep for several weeks at this point and was exhausted so I figured I would take a nap. Debra stayed in the room with Carolyn to read scripture. Melissa went downstairs to eat some dinner. I started to drift for a few minutes when at 7pm I heard Carolyn make some noise. I then realized I'd almost forgotten it was time for her next round of meds. I went into her room, gave her the medicine and then sat down. Melissa came up with some cookies for the three of us. We sat and talked about heaven while eating cookies when at 7:15, my mom took a really long gasp and then paused for the longest 10 seconds of my life - we didnt know what to do. Obviously we were at peace with her passing but it's really hard to resist trying to revive her in that moment. 10 seconds later she took one last breath. In that last breath, my heart popped in the oddest way and I knew - she was gone. I didnt have to wait for another breath. That was when it hit me so so so hard. She was gone. The grueling caretaker duties that had kept my mind off of what was really happening were removed. I had just lost my mom. But I was also so relieved that her last moments were perfect. Talking about heaven, cookies and all three of us there. I almost missed it 15 minutes prior by taking a nap. But God timed it perfectly. He guided all of us into that room at 7pm.

Her funeral was perfect. It was everything she wanted and it honored her and God so well. Below are the speaking notes from the officiant and the verses that I read in remembrance of her.

My Mom

by Kristen Hamerstadt

Many have asked over the last couple of years, what it was that gave my mom so much peace and courage in facing death. And how was she so certain that she would be going to heaven? She accepted Jesus into her heart as a young girl … but it doesn’t stop there. Over the course of her life she built a beautiful relationship with God. A love story if you will. She actually catalogued her love story with God in this diary that she one day knew her daughters would find and read.  She started this journal in 1997 and throughout her life she would update it with her thoughts, her growing relationship with God, and her favorite Bible verses.  She has SO MANY favorite Bible verses. In fact a couple months ago I asked her which scriptures she wanted me to read at her funeral – she opened her Bible and started naming so many passages that it would have taken an hour to go through all of them. So for the sake of time, I’ve selected a few verses to read that my Mom penned in this journal that spoke to her in key moments in her life as well as some select passages penned by her.

Psalm 56:8 - (Mom penned an author’s paraphrased version of this verse) “God feels your sorrow deeply. He says “The thought that your tears would flow without anybody noticing is so appalling to me that I’ll collect every tear you shed, put them in a bottle and present them to you in heaven so you’ll know the extent of my concern for you.”

David spoke about how Mom had to climb difficult mountains. And there were many. But they made her so so much stronger. I can imagine Jesus giving her the bottle of tears as soon as she stepped into heaven saying “Well done my faithful servant, as you have loved me I have also loved you.” Here are a few verses that helped her during some of the difficult times.

II Corinthians 12:10 – “For when I am weak then I am strong”

I Peter 4:12-14 – “Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the suffering of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed.”

Hebrews 13:5 – “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

I don’t know how many times she quoted Hebrews 13:5 to me and Melissa when we were experiencing difficulties. It was a verse that she penned often in her journal and was the verse she included in her first letter for me and Melissa to read after she had passed away. I will never leave you nor forsake you. She said it was God’s way of giving us a hug and a pat on the knee. Those in the Broughton family will know that a pat on the knee from Grandma Phyllis was the ultimate sign of affection. It was the same with my mom.

It wasn’t all trials and tribulations for my mom. When those closest to her describe her it always comes back to how she found joy in the simplest things. Whether it’s sitting down to a fresh cup of coffee, gardening in her flower beds, taking some time out for yogurt topped with strawberries, reading to her grandchildren … she found DELIGHT in them. In the same way she found delight in God.

Genesis 9:16 – “Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth.”

God spoke to Mom and gave her little signs of His undying love for her.  She called them his little “winks” to her. One that was constant was that God would send her a rainbow when she needed it the most. She’d look up in the sky, discover the rainbow, and remember … God’s promises never fail. I had the privilege to be with Mom during a couple rainbow sightings and you should have seen the look on her face – she was completely enraptured. She wrote about another “wink” from God in her journal. “ September 21, 2008 – Another special wink from God. Today after church, I was reading my Bible when I spotted a little tiny hummingbird outside my bedroom sitting on a limb. At first I couldn’t believe it was a hummingbird just sitting there! They never sit still! I got up and got very close to the window and the limb was very near. He was facing me. I could see his long needlepoint beak – he sat there for 5 minutes! Then when he got up, he darted around that branch for a few minutes with the characteristics of a humming bird before darting off!

In closing, I wanted to read a verse that Mom penned that just describes her love story with God so perfectly. And is the “secret”, if you will, to finding peace, understanding and JOY in the face of death.

Lamentations 3 – Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassion never fails. They are new every morning – great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion therefore I will wait for Him. The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him, it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. Let him sit alone in silence for the Lord has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust – there may yet be hope. For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though He brings grief He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love.

We love you, Mom - with all of my rainbow heart.

Carolyn Neal

by David Kampert

A little over a year ago I was driving down I-44 in Southern Missouri.  I had recently taken a new job in St Louis which required me to travel.  As I was driving I got a Facebook message.  It was Carolyn.  I decided to pull over to see what it was about.  To be honest I was still experiencing a little bit of shock from learning a few months earlier that she had terminal cancer.  Carolyn was messaging me because she wanted to ask me about today.  Since that day in Feb of 2014 I’ve been thinking about what to say on this day.  Not because it’s a struggle to come up with something but rather a struggle to come up with words that can adequately describe the sacrificial, devoted, and despite her circumstances joyful life she lived.  To try to put into words who Carolyn was, who she was to each of you, and to describe her extremely personal relationship with Christ only lessens the reality of what that was.  There is so much lost in translation.  It’s like standing on a beach and taking a picture of a magnificent sunset or standing on a mountain peak and capturing a photo of 20 other peaks in the background.  Only to get home and see the photos and realize, they don’t compare to the real thing.  Pictures always pale in comparison.  My words today will pale in comparison to the woman that Carolyn really was.  Most of us in this room today had the privilege of knowing Carolyn.  Honestly, there is no way to capture the beauty of those moments.  If you’ll allow me I’d like to share a “few photos” that I believe highlight who Carolyn was and how following her example can help us become more like Christ. 

(SUN AND BLUE SKY)

The first photo I want to share is a photo of a brilliant sunny sky.  I want each of you to pause for a moment and think of that perfect sunny day.  It’s mid-morning, 65 degrees, the air is cool but as you turn your face to the sun you can feel it’s warmth on your cheek.  The sky is a most brilliant blue.  When I think of this day it brings a smile to my face and feeling of joy to my heart.  This is what Carolyn did for everyone she met.  She was that radiant sun that warmed your face.  Her gentle and joyful spirit overflowed into her wonderful smile.  Carolyn had the best smile.  Her whole face would light up.  I remember it was 1999 and I was working for State Farm Insurance at the time.  I remember walking into an office and being greeted a very nice receptionist.  As I walked in she greeted me and had a smile from one ear to the other.  I thought, “Wow this lady is really happy to see me!”  I quickly discovered she greeted everyone that way.  It wasn’t just me.  It was who Carolyn was.  Carolyn’s smile wasn’t a forced attempt to cover up how she really felt so others would always think everything was ok.  Her smile came from the overflow of her heart.  She had such a joy about her that was very encouraging and heart warming.  You always felt better after being with her.  Her inner joy allowed her to find beauty and fun in the simple things of life.  Whether she was playing games with her daughters or praising God at the top of her lungs on Makinaw Island while riding her bike, her joy was always evident.  It was always evident because her joy wasn’t dependent on external circumstances.  It came from a deep, abiding relationship with Christ.

Carolyn personified Psalm 16:11, “You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

How’s your smile?  How’s your heart doing?  I know it’s heavy today but how’s your joy?  Do you find joy in the simple things or are you always searching for that next new thing to bring you joy?  You’ll never find true contentment or joy in anything or anyone.  You’ll only find it in Christ.  The same joy that Carolyn possessed was not an exclusive right.  It’s available to us all. 

(MOUNT FUJI)

The 2^nd photo that I think represents Carolyn’s life is that of a rugged, snow-capped mountain.  10 years ago my family and I had the opportunity to go to Tokyo, Japan on a mission trip.  While we there a group of us, including my 10 yr. old and 12 yr. old sons, decided we were going to hike Mount Fuji.  I don’t know if you’ve ever hiked a mountain like that before but it was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done.  Despite how difficult it was, we all made it the top.  There were certainly points along the way where I really questioned why I was doing what I was doing.  Times I wanted to quit.  Times my sons wanted to quit.  But we kept going.  Carolyn’s life was not without her own Mount Fuji.  In fact she probably had more than 1.  In fact I would say that we all have stood at the base of our own mountains and struggled with the choice of whether to climb or to stay.  Carolyn always chose to climb.  Not only to climb herself but she’d climb with her daughters in tow.  As only a mother could do, she never left her daughters behind. No matter how difficult it was, she did whatever she had to do to bring them along.  How does someone do that?  How do they make it through such difficult times?  They’re able to climb that mountain because they don’t set their hearts on where they are.  They set them on where they’re going. 

Hebrews 12:2 reads,

“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning it’s shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

Where is your heart when you find yourself in the valley?  Do you find your heart seeking God or questioning God?  Are you listening to people who want you to stay in the valley or people who want to join you in the climb?  Some of you in this room joined Carolyn on her climbs.  I know that Carolyn would want to thank you for joining her, for being there to support her, to encourage her, and probably at times to carry her when she couldn’t go on herself.  We need each other.  Everyone one of us in this room struggles.  Everyone one of us has issues.  You don’t have to stay where you’re at.  It doesn’t matter what you’ve done, God is for you, not against you.

Carolyn would tell you, lean into Hebrews 13:5, “I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, leave you or forsake you.”  No matter how painful or difficult life gets, you’re never alone.  In Carolyn’s darkest days, days when she didn’t feel like smiling, days when she didn’t feel like climbing, she rested and reminded herself, “God is with me.  If God is for me, then no one can stand against me?”  Her truth is your truth because it’s God’s truth.  Embrace it. 

(SUNSET)

The 3^rd and final photo that I wanted to share is that of a glorious setting sun.  There’s nothing I love better than standing at the edge of the ocean and watching the sun fall into the sea.  The reds, yellows, oranges, and purples swirled across the sky.  I could watch it a 1000 times and never grow tired of it.  There are days we all wish would never end.  Sunsets we all wish would never come.  In the last year I’m sure there have been many of those days as many of you were blessed to be able to spend time with Carolyn.  But the harsh reality is that life on this earth, just like the setting of the sun, will come to an end.  The writer of Ecclesiastes said it like this in Ch 3:1,2

 “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die…”

Most people don’t want to think about the end of their lives.  Not until circumstances force us to.  For the last year Carolyn was forced to think about hers.  Just like every other time when she was dealt a hand of cards she didn’t deserve, Carolyn did what she always did – she looked up, she looked forward.  She looked beyond what she could see to a place she couldn’t see or touch or feel - at least in her physical body.  But in her heart, it was as real to her as the room we’re all sitting in.  What gave her the ability to do that?  Her faith. 

Carolyn’s life verse was, Psalm 28:7, “The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.”

Carolyn trusted God because he’d helped her many times before.  Her trust in God was born out of adversity, not privilege.  Carolyn knew God the way she did not because she’d led an easy life and had received everything she always wanted, but because she experienced God whether she had a little or a lot.  Carolyn’s life should inspire us to not think of God as this mystical being in the bye and bye but rather to think of him as a father in the here and now.  He doesn’t  just want to be the God of heaven, he wants to be our Father right here, right now.  He was her strength and shield.  So when faced with life threatening cancer, death had no sting for her because she believed the same Father that had met at the bottom of every other mountain she’d had to climb before would be there for her to climb this one as well.  Her belief was so strong you could see it in her eyes.  Even her doctor, who’d seen many a person gazing into death’s door, noticed something different about her.  The difference was not just who she was, it was who she was with.  With her Father by her side, even death was nothing to be afraid of.

Carolyn’s life was an inspiration to so many.  For those of us that share a common faith, we have hope that goodbye is never forever.  I have no doubt that we will see Carolyn again.  What a glorious day in heaven that will be.  I’m sure she’s already busy helping prepare our reception.

As we leave this place I pray that each of you will take comfort in this verse from Lamentations 3:22-25, “22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  23 They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”  25 The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;”

May he comfort us all and give us strength until that glorious day when all of us who have received his precious gift of salvation through his son Jesus shall join him and all of our loved ones in Heaven.

Amen

Come home, you who are weary, come home

Since I last updated you, my mom's condition has gone downhill so significantly and so quickly. Late last week I just had this feeling that this coming week her condition would change in a big way. I didn't have anything to pinpoint it exactly. I just saw the tiniest of changes that weren't triggered for any reason other than because her body was preparing the way.

For the last several weeks, my mom has not been open to having visitors. In fact, she was only comfortable with me and my sister staying with her and taking care of her needs. Completely understandable given that slowly dying is a private and intimate event. Instead, she wanted her siblings to wait and gather around her in her final hours. Nevertheless, I thought I would try asking her if she was open to visitors this last weekend. Given that I had this gut feeling that something would shift this coming week, I thought it might be a good idea to let her siblings hang out with her one last time while she still had a bit of her personality and shining light about her. And surprisingly, when I asked, she said "well, yes, that's the plan isn't it?" So on Sunday they all gathered around and while Mom was weak and not very talkative, she was still herself.

On Monday morning, I could tell that she was losing herself. I know that she had lost herself a couple times before, but this time I hadn't changed anything in regards to her medication so I knew - this was because her body was failing and not because of outside changes. That morning was the last time I was able to hear a heartfelt "I love you". As the day progressed her restlessness grew and she became increasingly insecure. She didn't want me to leave her side even to grab a drink of water. I had to try to calm her down over and over again because her mind and her body would not let her rest. By the next morning on Tuesday, her personality was gone - the real Carolyn was gone. Instead we were left with a confused and distraught version of her. Hospice came and explained that it is what's called terminal restlessness and is something all people experience as they near death. By Wednesday evening we had to completely sedate her because she was not able to get herself into a place of peacefulness on her own. Today, she has been resting and sleeping quite a bit - but it's apparent that she is still aware of her surroundings. When we talk to her, she responds in her own way. She seems to enjoy hearing scripture read aloud, "I love you's" and when we brush her hair.

Please be in prayer that she passes peacefully. We don't know how much time she has left but our guess is no more than a week.

Softly and tenderly Jesus is calling,
Calling for you and for me;
See, on the portals He’s waiting and watching,
Watching for you and for me.
Come home, come home, You who are weary, come home;
Earnestly, tenderly, Jesus is calling, Calling, come home!
Why should we tarry when Jesus is pleading,
Pleading for you and for me?
Why should we linger and heed not His mercies,
Mercies for you and for me?
Time is now fleeting, the moments are passing,
Passing from you and from me;
Shadows are gathering, deathbeds are coming,
Coming for you and for me.
Oh, for the wonderful love He has promised,
Promised for you and for me!
Though we have sinned, He has mercy and pardon,
Pardon for you and for me.

Morphine > Hydrocodone

Happy Friday, everyone! Mom is doing pretty well given the circumstances. We've switched her from Hydrocodone to Morphine a week ago. The Hydrocodone pills were getting to be too hard for Carolyn to swallow and required her to drink more water than her body wanted her to consume ... so the pills usually ended coming back up after trying so hard to get them down. Morphine has not only been easier to ingest in its liquid format, but it has also helped her mind be a LOT clearer than before. She keeps saying over and over again how happy she is and how content she is. It's a great change from when she was anxious and confused before.

Her pain keeps going up though so we have to keep increasing frequency of morphine to every 2 hours. Which means I'm getting up every two hours throughout the night. At this point, her body is preparing to shut down. She doesn't eat anything anymore, she is experiencing pain in new areas, sleeping most of the day, her breathing is unsteady and uneven, etc. She is so weak that she can't even sit up by herself. I have to help pull her up. 

She is enjoying this warmer weather - requesting the windows to be open every day. Once a day we try to get out on the upstairs back deck where she sits in her wheelchair for 10 minutes to enjoy the sunshine on her face. Her pain is pretty high though that she can't stay out there for much longer than that. Some days it isn't even worth it to her and she declines the opportunity to go outside. For the most part she doesn't leave her bed.

I hope you are all enjoying this beautiful weather as well. If you see a robin, say a prayer for Carolyn! She loves loves spotting robins in the spring time.

Sweet Will be the Flower

Since my last post it feels like time has barely inched forward ... stood still in fact.

In the last two weeks Carolyn's health has leveled off and seems to be maintaining itself. She is still confused, still sleeping a lot, barely eating, nauseous ... but she is also still (barely) walking, still eating a bit here and there, still drinking water, still able to hold a (confused) conversation for 5 minutes.

These last few months have been the most stressful and insane experience of our lives. Carolyn's health will dip significantly one day and then over the course of a week it will start to get a little better, level off for another week, and then a week after that she will dip significantly again and repeat itself. So over the last few months her health has gone downhill overall, but with varying levels of ups and downs.

Her primary cancer doctor had always told us that her last days would go really fast. That one day she would be normal and then the next day she would decline significantly and then be gone within a week. This expectation had made it excruciatingly hard on me and Melissa as we were always asking "is this it?" "is it now?" "or wait is this it?"

Then enters Hospice. Our hospice nurse told me she didn't know why our doctor would tell us that she would go so suddenly. She told us that it would be slower ... and always cautioned that she probably had more time than what the doctor said. If you remember, back in December he said she had a couple months left. When Hospice came for the first time in January she said "No ... I think she has a few more months still. I would be surprised if she passed away within the next month or two." So then what were we to think? Do we believe the doctor? The nurse?

Fast forward to today ... and I'm realizing how right the nurse has been all along. This wasn't going to be a quick ending. Instead, it feels like it could go on forever. Last week, our nurse told me that she thinks Carolyn has at least a couple more weeks. I was devastated to hear that news. Carolyn's current state is no way to live. Sleeping for hours on end. No eating. Pills every 6 hours. Staying in her bedroom for days on end. And more gruesome details that I won't get into. I chose not to tell her that she still had a little ways to go ... I was afraid it would break her heart. She is SO ready to go and see Jesus.

Well the last few days, Carolyn has been anxious and frustrated. She asks "When is it time to go? Why am I still here? We need to call the doctor and ask him when I am going." So I finally broke the news to her that she still had a little while longer. This made her so sad that she had a breaking point a couple nights ago of severe depression and frustration. She told me that she cried out to God and asked "Why? Why won't you take me?" And through her confused and sad state God told her, "I am here. I am always here. You have to trust Me." And she was comforted. One of her favorite verses that she used to always tell me when I was anxious or upset was "I will never leave thee nor forsake thee." She clings to those words now.

This has been a difficult time not only for Carolyn but also for Melissa and I. Melissa isn't able to take a lot of time off work because her employment doesn't offer any sort of FMLA (although she did choose to take the last couple weeks off). So she is balancing not only her work and kids but traveling between work, their school and driving over to my place to spend time with Carolyn. My work has been gracious enough to give me the time and support I need to take care of Carolyn as her primary caregiver. But this has put stress on my team and the organization. I hardly ever get to leave my house because Carolyn isn't comfortable having anyone else (other than Melissa) watch her. So I'm starting to get cabin fever along with depression. There is nothing worse than just sitting for days and days in one room watching one of your favorite people slip away before your very eyes. Or in my sister's case, to know that your mom is slipping away and you can't be with her. There is no winning in this situation.

I'm reminded of a Beth Moore study I did when I had recently graduated college. It was a study of Esther. And Beth said something that has stayed with me ever since. (this is paraphrased) "What is the worst thing that could possibly happen to you? Close your eyes and go ahead - imagine it. What was it? Now cling to this - If ______ (fill in the blank with that worst thing), then God. THEN GOD." I think she then went on to say something about God swooping in and cherishing His loved ones (she has a knack for making God feel so real and personal). Anyway, I had imagined several "worst possible scenarios" in that moment. Ironically, one of them was my mom dying. So when the news came - that dreadful day - I told myself "If Mom dies of cancer, then God. If Mom dies of cancer, then God. IF MOM DIES OF CANCER, THEN GOD." I had to say that to myself over and over, while her reaction as soon as she found out the extent of her cancer was "I get to see Jesus soon!" with a smile on her face.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take
The clouds ye so much dread are big with mercy
And shall break in blessings on your head.
His purposes will ripen fast
Unfolding every hour
The bud may have a bitter taste
But sweet will be the flower.
- William Cowper

The Lord is my Shepherd, I lack nothing!

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. 
He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. 
He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. 
Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; 
your rod and your staff, they comfort me. 
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. 
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. 
Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, 
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Carolyn continues to get a little weaker each day. She also sleeps most of the day except to wake up to say "hi" or to take sips of water. She's been complaining that she is frustrated about how much she is sleeping. Hospice came on Monday and confirmed that she looks to have no more than a week or two left. Our nurse guesses that she will slip into a coma a couple days before her body lets go.

She is just so amazing even in her last days. She says "thank you" and "I love you" as often as possible. Pats my hand and smiles when she is too weak to talk. They say your true self comes out near the end and her core is absolutely beautiful - kindness, joy, patience, understanding. She embodies the fruits of the spirit like I've never seen from anyone before. Last night she gripped my hand especially hard - I think it was her way of trying to express everything she can't say.

I have her all set up in her beautiful room that looks like it could come straight out of an Anne of Green Gables novel. She stays there all day where visitors can sit in the sofa chair and visit with her. This also allows Melissa to come over with her girls and the girls can play downstairs while Melissa and I visit with her in her room. Yesterday I spent the day vacuuming and cleaning the room to make it as cozy as possible and she was so happy to have her room looking pretty. Uncle Dan and Aunt Jan sent some beautiful spring flowers for her room, and Aunt Cindy brought over some candles. She was so happy that she asked me to spread the candles out around the room so that she could look at them.

We spend each day watching Leave it to Beaver - although I'm really the one watching while she sleeps. And when she wakes up Melissa and I will chat with her while she listens. And boy does she listen. Even when you think she is asleep she is listening. And she will ask questions later about your conversation ... but usually she gets all the details confused in her mind. We've found that we can't talk about anything but good memories and how we love her. Otherwise she spends too much time and strength trying to sort out what we are saying.

For those of you who may not know my mom very well, I wish there was some way that I could show you or explain how amazing she is. She spent all of her life being the best mom two little girls could ever ask for. All the details that she put into things was amazing. She set up so many wonderful tea parties, Anne of Green Gables and doll parties, treasure hunts, fun items for us to play "school", doll baths outside with a clothes line to dry their clothes, and more. She'd also put so much time into little things too - Melissa and I have been going through a lot of the old things that she'd kept and found things we'd completely forgotten. Such as, she would draw a road on construction paper with little signs next to them that said "good job!" and "almost there!" where if we had been good that day, we got to put a sticker in the block on the road and once the stickers filled up to the "end" of the road we got to go to Dairy Queen. She made being a good girl a fun event. :) She'd also leave little love notes in our lunch boxes, sew all of our beautiful clothes, give us special dolls to played with only on Sundays, heart shaped chocolate cakes on our birthdays, and more.

And even here at the end of her life, the most important thing to her has been the legacy she will leave behind for me, Melissa, her grandchildren, and future grandchildren. She's written hundreds of letters for us to read through after she is gone, has prepared an old antique trunk for each of us filled with gifts, and small trunks for Chandler and Taylor as well as one for my future children.

I love her so much and am happy for her that she will get to see Jesus soon ... but sad for the hole she will leave in my life. There's nothing quite like having your mother to talk to and enjoy life with over a cup of tea.

Cleaning our doll clothes and hanging them to dry.

The dresses she sewed for us.

The annual heart shaped chocolate cake for our birthdays!

Making wrapping paper for Christmas gifts.

She took us to the park often.

Making gingerbread cookies!

Valentine's Day with special Sunday gifts.

Anne of Green Gables Party

Near the End

The time is drawing near for Carolyn to meet her Father in heaven.

Last Tuesday, was like any other day this last month. With the warmer weather, she was able to get out of the house and be out and about. But the next day she slept almost the entire day away and kept complaining that she couldn't seem to stay awake. Thursday was much the same with a lot of sleeping and little eating. Then on Friday she was not only sleeping and not eating, but the moments when she was awake she was more distraught than normal and confused about what was happening and had trouble expressing her thoughts. Saturday/Sunday she lost a lot of her mental capacities. She herself complained that she was losing her "senses" and having trouble keeping her bearings. To date, she can barely walk, doesn't eat, and is very confused altogether. She has a few moments of clarity here and there, but they are few and far in-between.

These last few months have had so many ups and downs and uncertainty around how long she has left. But if she continues at the rate she is now, we can't imagine that she has even a week left. Saturday evening she told us that she was going very very soon. It's interesting how people know when their last days are coming. When I had last updated you a few weeks ago that we thought she had days left ... she definitely didn't agree with us. Even though she was at that time sleeping all day, confused and in pain ... she'd wake up and we'd try to say our goodbyes and she would look at us like we were crazy. Well, this time is different. Now she is the one telling us that this is it and that she doesn't have much time left.

Please be praying that she will not experience any pain and that she will pass peacefully. I fear most that her confusion will cause her to twist thoughts in her head to think things were said that are not true, or think something happened that didn't occur. Please also be praying for Melissa, her girls, and I  ... as well as the rest of Carolyn's family that we will enjoy to the fullest our last days/hours/minutes with her.

Miraculously, she was able to muster up just enough strength on Saturday evening to make it to a performance at the Indianapolis Symphony Orchestra. We didn't think she'd last 10 minutes, but she somehow made it to intermission. We know it was definitely her last time out of the house and a miracle that she was even able to go in the first place. It was the last item on her bucket list to attend a performance at the ISO. I'm so glad we were able to get out and create that one last memory together. She was so happy. <3

Slow and Steady

Happy (almost) Spring, everyone! I hope you are enjoying the gorgeous weather we've been having. Carolyn sure has! She has been getting out almost every day since it's been warmer. It's really lifted her spirits after being trapped in the house so much all winter.

She continues to do well considering the circumstances. It's crazy to think that a few weeks ago we thought she had "days" left. Since then, it's been an emotional roller coaster with good days and bad days. One day she will be like her old self, wanting to get out and go for a drive or go out to eat. And then other days she will want to sleep the entire day away and only wake up to take pills, sip water, or get a bite of something.

Nonetheless, we are still creating memories - trying to soak her up until the last drop! This past weekend she was able to go to her grandchild's birthday party, go on a carriage ride downtown, and see Cinderella in theaters. However, she doesn't talk much while we are out because it takes too much effort to think through what she wants to say, she doesn't walk much because she isn't strong and instead uses a wheelchair, and she falls asleep any moment she can get - in the car or otherwise.

God is Good.

Since I last provided an update, Carolyn's health has miraculously improved a little bit each day. Last Wednesday and Thursday we thought she had maybe a few days or up to a week left. Melissa and I even took Thursday and Friday off work because we were certain it would be her last coherent days. Well here we are one week later and she is much improved.

I asked Hospice about this and our contact - Jackie - said that it sounds like Carolyn had bile build-up that just needed to pass through her system. Really? It was as simple as that? Last week, she couldn't keep her eyes open for longer than 5 minutes before drifting. And her conversations with us were confusing and unclear - she was saying the oddest things. But then each day since then she has been able to stay awake a little longer and is getting her personality back.

However, other aspects of her health continue to steadily decline.

• She gets weaker and weaker every day. Soon she won't be able to walk upstairs at all, which means she will need to stay downstairs permanently. She stays in her hospital bed on the main floor all day. Showers in the morning are difficult. It takes us around 3 hours to get ready in the morning because she needs to take so many breaks to rest between taking her pills, coughing up mucus, getting in the shower, washing, getting out of the shower, getting dressed and depending on what's going on that day - blowdrying her hair and putting some makeup on. 
• She doesn't eat much either, but not because she isn't hungry. Absolutely nothing tastes good. So at least once every hour, I try bringing her bites of different food to eat just in case it tastes good to her in that moment. It's pretty unpredictable which means my fridge is filled with the most random food that only has a few bites taken out of it. Because of this, she has lost 30+ pounds in one month! She has to wear my jeans because her old jeans won't stay up. 
• She has difficulties with reading and writing. It's hard for her mind to grab onto things so she has to use all her concentration to read or write. Why is she reading and writing? Well she has several last minute projects she is trying to finish up before she goes. Notes to her grandchildren, etc. And I bought several recordable children's books for her to record her voice for her grandchildren to read later. Which on that topic, we bought the COOLEST book for each of her grandchildren to have called "Grandma and Me". She sits down with one of her grandchildren and together they answer questions about Grandma that gets recorded. It's so adorable and fun - and amazing moment in time captured forever. Chandler and Taylor LOVE their books. I bought one for my future grandchildren where together Mom and I recorded conversations of us talking about her. I told her that instead of giving the book to my children, I might keep it and listen to it before bed every night. :) 

Today, she had a doctor appointment at the Simon Cancer Center. I wouldn't have believed it if you told me last week that she would be able to actually make her appointment. I was certain she either wouldn't be here by today or that she would be too ill to get out of bed. Well after spending several hours this morning trying to get her ready, we were off in the freezing rain to go see her doctor one more time. 

He was surprised to see that she was still doing decently well but at the same time not in disbelief. She has been a trooper and a fighter throughout this whole ordeal that it is no wonder that she would continue to shatter the odds. So of course we asked our favorite question - how long do you think she has left? And he answered ... "You don't have days - that's for sure. But I would say anywhere between a week and four weeks." I think our jaws dropped collectively. A week to four weeks doesn't sound like a significant difference in time to the average person, but for those of us in the midst of this - that is a HUGE gap. Especially for Melissa and I as we are in difficult situations determining when to take time off work to spend with her. If she has one week left, we'd want to spend every moment with her. But to spend 4 weeks away from work is not realistic. It's a difficult decision either way especially given how much work it is to care for her. She needs someone to stay home with her at all times now and it is unpredictable as to when she would need help - so taking calls at home becomes difficult. Either way we are so grateful for any extra time with her. Thankfully, both of our employers are supportive of the situation and have assured us to take the time we need.

Please be praying that Carolyn will get the sustenance she needs each day - physically and spiritually. She is still anxious to go to heaven, but we are praying that her last days on earth will not be stressful for her. Please also be praying for Melissa and I. This is a really stressful situation for us in more ways than one. So many people have wanted to see her for "the last time" and so not only are we trying to care for her needs and health, but we are entertaining guests on a daily basis. Which isn't to complain - we want everyone to be able to say goodbye and don't want to be selfish with her time. But nonetheless we are emotionally and physically drained. 

Beginning to Decline

Wanted to provide a quick update.

Carolyn's health is beginning to decline significantly and very quickly over a short period of time. She is sleeping a lot more and only stays awake for 5 minutes or so at a time. A couple times during the day she will stay awake for 20 or so minutes. She is also very weak and every day gets weaker. She doesn't eat much at all. We are fairly certain that she has very little time left. We dont know exactly how long but it is no longer measured in weeks but rather days.

Thanks, everyone, for your prayers and support!

Also the videos below should be working now. I know a few of you had problems viewing them.